9dp2dt, 6dp5dt

It's that time of the cycle when the depression and insanity kick in. My lower back started burning again this morning. My lower back cramps are the bain of my existence, I have them every month except for the month I actually got pregnant, so I know it might not mean anything but it's hard to keep believing that.

My plan is to test on Tuesday morning, the equivalent of 10dp3dt, but I'm having a very hard time keeping myself away from the box upstairs. Unfortunately, when I can't keep myself from testing is usually when I'm not pregnant.

I spoke to my doctor today with my blood results, which themselves look fine, but he told me that they didn't freeze any of the blasts because they weren't growing well. He then agreed that that didn't bode well for the blast that we did transfer. Even my doctor seems to be losing hope. I think I need to step away from the internet and just wait to test.

The Waiting Game

It's been so long since I've written. I think I just needed to be quiet while I went though my last IVF. Now I am currently 3dp5dt, and 6dp2dt, we did a split transfer this month.

Overall this cycle really went so much better than my previous two fresh cycles. By retrieval my E2 was much higher than the cycle where I had to take the Lupron trigger, but I had 7 or 8 18mm follicles to show for it, instead of one or two big ones and lots of others at various stages of growth. So, interestingly I ended up with 15 eggs as opposed to 25 even with higher E2. So, bottom line is that I didn't overstim, and it looked like the egg quality was substantially better. My doctor doesn't even really know why it happened, but is obviously happy with the results. The only thing that was different in my stimulation was that I started out really slowly and had to bump up my Gonal-F to 225 and keep it there until the end (until now I've never used more than 150), and this is obviously not due to anything we did just how my body reacted at the time. Also, I added in LH when I started Cetrotide, which could have helped with the maturity of the eggs but I don't know if to the extent where it could change how many follicles I produced at what size. The bottom line is we don't know why it happened but are using whatever we can get.

We really wanted to push for a day 5 transfer so we agreed with my doctor do a split transfer where we transfer one day 3 (day 2 this time due to Saturday interfering), and then hopefully have something to transfer on day 5 as well. In the end I had 4 blasts on day 5 and could have just done a day 5 transfer of two, but hindsight is 20/20, and my doctor likes the split transfers just for some insurance.

So, now I wait. Having a split transfer is helping a bit with the 2ww just because I have so many numbers of transfer days in my head that calculating the number of days left until whatever gets more difficult. It's like a distraction in it of itself.

I'm so scared this isn't going to work. We have every reason to be hopeful, but because it's the last time we're going to do this (at least in the near future) I feel like I'm tempting fate. Like I'm giving fate an ultimatum and he's saying screw you. I've been trying to come to peace with the possibility that this is our last shot and we might only have one child. I will be heartbroken, but I'm ok with it. This is our life and I want to enjoy it.

The Summary

5 IUIs.

2 Fresh IVFs.

2 FETs.

1 Chemical.

1 Miscarriage.

0 Babies.

I really hope the statistics gods are looking at this now. It is time for an IVF to freakin work.

Over

Beta was 6. My doctor isn't even saying if it was chemical or not, I guess it could be the trigger.

This cycle was supposed to be our last, but that was under the assumption that we would have some frozen cycles from this as well. Ever since I started bleeding I have been swaying back and forth about doing a third fresh cycle. My husband thinks I'm crazy but I think I'm going to do it. I lived with the idea of this being the end for a couple of days and I wasn't at peace with it. I think I'm going to do it. My veins might be completely scarred shut by the end but one last time.

To Believe or Not to Believe

I'm reaching the end. I started bleeding this morning at 9dp3dt, it has tapered off but it's just like what I usually get before my period. My doctor is having my increase my estrogen dose, but from what I understand increasing the estrogen will just hold off the bleeding. Even with low estrogen, if I really was pregnant I wouldn't bleeding now anyway. So, what do I believe? That something really truly could be implanting and the bleeding was because of the estrogen? That glimmer of hope that's so easy to grasp on to? The fact that my progesterone was so high two days ago just on suppositories?

I think I really need to accept that this is over. We are done. My wonderful beautiful daughter will never have a sibling. I will never have another baby. For some reason it was not meant to be.

8dp3dt

I'm not feeling pregnant. That's about all I can say. My body has the decidedly deflated not pregnant feeling. It's very depressing. I'm not particularly crampy, which for me is good, but I don't have much else to keep me going. I'm not spotting but I swear my discharge was getting slightly darker this morning as well, never a good sign.

I had my E2 and progesterone tested yesterday. My progesterone was a very stellar 71, but my E2 was 142 which is alarmingly low. I started taking estrofem yesterday, but I hope it wasn't too late.

Not much I can do now besides pray for a miracle. This is the last cycle for us.

Where I Stand

Egg Retrieval went fine, 16 eggs were retrieved. My friend A was there too in the bed next to me making the whole process much more enjoyable. It's always good to have some emotional support even if you are both drugged up. 16 sounded perfect, lots to work with and definitely no OHSS. But then I don't know what happened.

We ICSI'd all of the eggs, 12 fertilized. But by day 2 we were down to 8 (which is totally expected) but they apparently all had fragmentation. The doctor did not sound so happy. He told me to just do a day 3 transfer and not even try to go to day 5.

I show up at my transfer and I have two very good looking 8 cell embryos which we transfer. I also have another 8 cell, some 6 cells, and some five, all apparently with fragmentation. I just don't get it. The lab said that none of the others looked good enough to freeze, even the 8 cell one. I know my lab is a bit picky with what they freeze, but this seems a little ridiculous. So, I don't really know what happened there. My doctor says he is very happy with the outcome, 2 good looking embryos in a fresh transfer. But the numbers just don't add up for me. Last cycle I transferred one fresh and froze four, and this out of the same number of embryos to start with.

So, I don't really know where I stand right now. I'm really happy to have transferred 2 good embryos in a healthy fresh cycle, but not having anything frozen is really disappointing. These guys better sick around for the long haul because I really don't think I can do this again.